Starving the Artist. AKA: What I Would Literally do for a Klondike Bar

First of all I think I should put out a disclaimer. I'm not actually "Starving" nor am I in real danger of actually not having any food to eat. However, with my recent budget constraints I am limited in what foods I can buy. Things like rotisserie chicken, sugar cereals, fresh vegetables and yes, even Klondike Bars are frustratingly out of my reach. I like sugary things a lot, as anyone who's seen me with my shirt off can attest too, so I'm not particularly enjoying this lapse of creamy frozen goodness. In fact I've compiled a list of things that I would actually (probably) do to get my hands on a box of Klondike's famous bars.

Oh wait. No, screw Klondikes, sign me up for a box of these.

5. Shovel Pass a Kitten

Kittens are lovely things. They're fantastic and honestly I'd never want to hurt one. However, If I were playing a full contact football game, in my current economic situation, and my coach were to pull me over to the sideline and give me an empowering speech about trying new things, and how if I pull off this crazy play he's dreamed up there's a box of ice cream snacks in it for me, I could foresee blatantly throwing a kitten to a fullback so he can try to run through a heard of violent steroid infused behemoths. I mean at that point it's mostly his fault if the Kitten kicks it.

4. Never Play GTA V

I haven't played it yet. That's right. Me. I haven't played GTA V. It came along at the worst possible time for me finically. There's no way I can afford buying this thing right now, and I'm sure it's great and all but if someone came up to me and offered me a box of delicious ice cream treats to stay away from GTA V for the rest of my days, I would do it. I mean, I just downloaded Saints Row 3 for free on the PSN and it's giving me everything I need in the "needless destruction" centre of my brain. 

3.  Be Forced to Play "Wonderwall" on Guitar at a Party

On October 30th 1995 the british rock band known as Noel Gallager and Friends released this song. And ever since then it has been the scourge of not only the house party but also of the open mic night. Four of the most basic cords one first learns on an acoustic guitar, a capo, and an easy, but recognizable strumming pattern give us the song sung at every party by the guy who wants to ruin the entire night subconsciously.

 

"Do you know the one that goes na na do do daa Be Free? I

 bet all the chicks here would totally dig it."

I used to be that guy. Strumming away at every party I went too, singing every hack song from Wonderwall to Wagonwheel, off key and too loud. I was the worst. If there was ever a sign that I needed to quit drinking for a while, that was it.

That being said, I'd do it all again for some soft serve covered in thin chocolate coatings.

2. Not See Thor: The Dark World

This might be from a Nicolas Sparks movie, I'm not sure. 

If it was raining I'd be sure.

I love comics. I love movies. I love comic book movies. I even love bad comic book movies sometimes for the sheer awfulness. So I mean there's no way I'm actually going to hate this new Thor movie. I mean, personally I doubt it's going to become a new favourite of mine, but at the very least I can say with confidence that I'd enjoy it. 

But not more than a Klondike Bar.

Sorry, Avenger.

1. Petty Larceny

Ha! Jokes on you, Hand Cuffs, I have incredibly thin palms!

Lets get this straight. I said Petty Larceny. Petty. Meaning the theft of something under $500 dollars. Very under. Like say, 6.45$ at Shoppers Drug Mart. 

Oh, I see what he did there.

Look. I mean at this point there's not a lot I wouldn't do for a Klondike Bar/Reese Cup-o-Awesome.

Namaste

-Matt

P.S. NO, MOM, I'm not going to actually steal something.... Unless your birthday falls further away from a payday than I thought...